Anytime Attraction

How to Fight Through Hard Times (aka The Abyss)

Category: Theory

Reading time: 9 minutes

Bonjour everyone.

So the coldest week of winter this year comes at the start of Spring… I hope everyone’s rugged up… with a 8.5…

If you don’t know how (to rug up with a girl you just met on the streets), you can easily find out by following my journey, or simply search the intraweb - I’m not the only source

hugzy getting laid

Snug in a rug with Hug

Anyway last week we were halfway through defining the abyss, this week we will explore how to escape it.

Without further ado...

How do you get out of the Abyss?

Depends which stage you are at.

Hardcase Noob

Your abyss is likely a result of following your parent’s/friends’/society’s advice for the better part of 20 years, only to realise they have guided you on a path that does not bring YOU happiness (it’s their path, not yours). When this realisation hits, you are completely lost, and it’s a dark dark place.

When I was at this stage, the biggest gift anyone could give to me was simply guidance and direction. Ask yourself with honesty what YOU want, and draw up a plan to get there (simple, but doesn't mean it’s easy).

It doesn’t have to be perfect.

In fact an imperfect plan is even better, because ACTION, not over-analysing, will get you out of your rut. Once you become a man with purpose and direction, you will emerge from the dark lonely woods.

Practical advice for hardcase noobies

Learn and dedicate to one thing you always wanted to learn (but always procrastinated). It could be anything from a hobby, to something that will help you get girls.

Samples include, but not limited to:

  • Going to the gym

  • Learning public speaking

  • Learning how to dance

  • Pickup a music instrument

  • Do martial arts

  • Train for a sport

  • Learn how to swim or surf

  • Master cooking

  • Learn financial management/investment

Once you decide, stick to it for 6 months (minimum)… no matter what. No excuses.

If you can not stick to a task, therein lies your problem (lack of persistence).

A regular beginner daygamer

“This is the most fun part of the journey” - Owen Cook, 2009.

When Tyler told me that he envied me as a beginner, because I was at the most exciting part of the journey, I dismissed it with a scoff.

“Yeah right... you’re getting eye-rolling-to-the-back-of-your-head bj’s from hot girls… why on earth would you envy ME…” - I thought

poor you

My girlfriend is a 8.5… but she doesn’t swallow

I am no guru, but now that I had the privilege of similar experiences, I can reaffirm Tyler’s quote.

The beginner stage is THE most thrilling ride of the journey, so enjoy it while you can.

This stage is all about experiencing and controlling the wild emotional fluctuations that comes with meeting (and getting validation from) pretty girls for the first time. There are 2 events here that can descend you into the darkness.

  • Your first big rejection - not a bad blowout, but the first time when you are CERTAIN you met the girl of your dreams… only to not even receive a text back (or worse, get a text saying “Who’s this...”)

  • Your first big success - it could be anything from getting that first number, to the first amazing interaction, to the first lay. It will bring you that wave of euphoria that’s on par with taking drugs (supposedly). But if you cash out too early. Eg. “I got what I wanted from the journey, gonna go back to being a professional warcraft player”, you will eventually fall back into your old patterns and end up at a WORSE place than when you first started.

Practical advice for Beginners

Find a wing that will either hold you accountable, and/or share the same vision.

The beginning stage is the most fun, but it’s also the most volatile. If I didn’t have my best friend Jim on the journey with me, I would’ve never made it past the first base.

But if you have someone to share the journey with, the fun doubles, and the pain is halved.

It sounds easy but it is NOT. Just like anything worthwhile, it takes time and effort to find a good wing.

Spend that time to find the right wing, you will be rewarded.

Intermediate purgatory

Stat attack: 13/100 people reach the intermediate stage in any pursuit of mastery. 2% of that 13 reaches advanced and beyond.

So if you are at this stage, be proud of what you have achieved.

But this is also the most likely stage for anyone to experience the abyss, because you have reached a stage where progress is no longer obvious, where you have to give 8 units of effort for 2 units of return, and where you are seemingly stuck at the SAME sticking point for 3 FWACKING YEARS.

From all sources, a massive percentage quit at this stage, and I am not surprised. The inability to see progress, combined with a decent level of success (3 girls on rotation), meant personally I thought about quitting many a times during this stage.

intermediate purgatory

What intermediate purgatory feels like

Practical advice for those stuck in the Purgatory

“The biggest problem is that most guys who reach this stage do so because they're driven by something deep down. Often it's some sort of emotional issue, past trauma, or baggage from their life. Learning to get this good with women -- and let's be honest, learning how to go out and bang 100 women is not a reasonable use of one's time by most of the world's standards -- it usually comes from some sort of emotional quirk.” - Mark Manson aka Entropy.

At this stage, there is no longer a one-size fits all solution, because everyone’s deep emotional quirk would be completely different. But this is what helped me:

  • Dedication to the cause - when your mentality shifts from “pickup is a chore” to “meeting new girls is a part of my life”, you will stop feeling floored by the lows because you know the highs are always just around the corner (abundance). The feeling is very similar to when you integrate a hobby as part of your lifestyle. Do you worry about going for a hike this weekend? Or get nervous about going to the gym to work on your favourite body part?

    Being not doing.

  • Being different - credit to my friend Alvin for this. Most guys use the same opener, the same line, the same way to number close, and the same text to setup a day2… you get the idea. The biggest difference between an intermediate and a beginner is that an intermediate delivers these lines with confidence.

    But confidence alone at this stage doesn’t cut it.

    A decent girl these days (anything 7 or above) will auto-pilot respond to your “Hey I think you are pretty” and “can I get your number”, because she has heard it literally 10,000 times before. Hearing those lines feels similar to when a homeless guy asks you for change… what is your auto-pilot response?

    Being different here does not mean walking down the street on your hands, or wear your underwear on the outside like superman (that’s miscalibration). Being different here simply means going slightly out of the norm and incorporating your own uniqueness into the interaction.

    Can you open slightly differently to just “hey I think you are pretty”?

    Can you go through a conversation where you fully express, but without saying a single good thing about yourself?

    Can you get her number but make it slightly challenging for her?

    These little things will make the interaction fun and different for her, and make you stand out from the 10 other guys who approached her that day.

  • The one-percenters - At the beginner stage, you (and society in general) are fixated with the magic pill concept. “Click here for the one solution that will solve ALL your problems”.

    At the intermediate stage, I suggest you give up the notion as quickly as possible. The sooner you give up the idea of a magic pill, the faster you will progress to advanced.

    At this stage, you need to roll up the sleeves and focus on the one-percenters. Such as your fashion, your demeanour, posture, humour, how you open, how you close, your text game, are you moving too quickly, are you escalating too slowly, are you begging for rapport, is your conversation interesting.

    A detailed, microscopic self-assessment.

    As an intermediate, you know every theory backwards. It’s time to ask yourself, are you applying all those theories in practice.

    Be brutally honest.

    And lastly...

  • The Abyss - Ironically, the last thing you need to blast out of the purgatory, is an emotionally traumatic experience. Tyler put it the best: “when a girl fist fucks your emotions until you BLEED, that’s when your game gets realllllll good”

    Going through a heart wrenching low is similar to experiencing death. But the only thing that is really dying, is your ego. When the debris of your ego gets burnt away, you will realise a lot of things that used to hold you back, no longer exists (eg. approach anxiety).

    You will feel free.

Like every journey to mastery, the Neo of the story must go through the darkest hours before they can reach the highest of highs. (A little unspoken secret: it is actually this dark period that CREATES the prize).

And like my good friend Tazer said recently: in life, without the sadness, there IS no happiness.

Enjoy the pain, it signals growth.

Good luck.